Things I can't say out loud

I am not even sure anyone even reads this thing, which makes writing this much easier. I have not really been the same this month, a little off, a little shaken, a little confused and I'm just waiting for this feeling to drift away. It hasn't yet and I don't know when it will or if it ever will. Some may know that Brett Shanks died last month....my dad. It's hard to say "dad" or "father" because we were never very close. So maybe it shouldn't hurt so much but I feel the very opposite actually.

He was doing the best he had ever done in his life, he was really trying. Putting his best foot forward, so to say. He for once in his life was able to look outside of himself and see the damage he had done and he truly wanted to make it right. Not that he never wanted to make it right in the past, he had but he couldn't. He had written me every month or so for the past two years. I in the last two 1/2 years, I had gotten married and had a baby. I was nervous and unsure of getting into a relationship with him to just be let down again. Which may or may not have been the case. I will never know.

I would like to think he would have surprised me and that he would have continued doing well. That he finally would be able to really turn his life around. That thought makes me feel good and bad. I guess that's why this is so hard on me. There is so much I will never know..that he will never know.

After his funeral I spent so much time remembering all the times we had been together. I tried remembering his voice, his laugh (very memorable) and for the most part it was all very loud and clear. But those memories were so long ago, eight years to be exact. It didn't seem fare.

He never got to see me as a wife and mother. He never got to meet my amazing son or hear his laugh. For once in my life I felt nothing but love for him. Not as a martyr but as a daughter..letting go of a father she never had. I was so happy to know he was doing well, I just wish I would have talked to him or written him. I know we all have regrets. I think this moment has altered me in ways unimaginable. Strange I know...I can't even voice my feeling on this out loud. That being the reason I am writing this, that maybe if I can write it, just get some of these feelings out maybe some of this strange hurt and pain will slowly dissipate. Every night before I go to bed I'm haunted with so many thoughts and I turn to talk to my husband, my understanding, amazing husband...but I can't. It's so strange because I tell him everything. This for some reason...is different. So very personal and hard for me. Funny I can write about it but not talk about it. Writing this brings a relief. In my mind no one will even read this. But my words have been written and that brings a strange comfort.

He was not a mean person, he was actually a very nice and caring person. He just never found himself and by the time he was getting close, it was too late. I believe all man is basically good. And he was basically good and even had good intentions.

He is in a better place now and I am very positive of this. With every once of my being I know he is happy where he is. That brings a calmness to this chaos that runs through my head.

Well if anyone took the time to actually read all of this, thank you.

I hope you have at least one good memory with my dad. If you do, feel free to share it. I need as many as I can get.